Ultimate Career
Career Worth Living For!
Your Two Major Fears
Jul 24th
The fear of failure is the one greatest obstacle to success for
adults. In the extreme case, we become obsessed with not making a
mistake, with seeking approval above all other considerations. The
experience of the fear of failure is in the words of “I can’t”, “I
can’t.” We feel it in the front of the body, starting at the
abdomen and, then, to the rapid beating of the heart, quick and
shallow breathing and a tight throat. We may also experience this
fear in the bladder and in the irresistible need to run to the
toilet.
The second major fear that causes our performance to stumble and
inhibits our expression, is the fear of rejection. We learn this
when our parents make their love for us conditional upon our
behaviour. If we do what pleases them, they give us love and
approval. If we do something they don’t like, they withdraw their
love and approval-which we interpret as rejection.
As adults, people who grew up with conditional love become
preoccupied with the opinions of others. Many people develop the
Type A personality and behaviour which is characterized by
hostility, distrust and an obsession with performance to some vague
yet high standard. This is typically expressed in the attitude of
“I have to, I have to,” and is associated with the feeling that “I
have to work harder and accomplish more in order to please the
boss.” The boss or whoever it is we are trying to please and win
approval from has become our surrogate parent.
More than 99 percent of adults experience both these fears of
failure and rejection. These two traps cause the feeling of
insecurity arising from the self-talk, “I can’t, but “I have to,”
“I have to,” but “I can’t.”
In order to remove these fears, it is vital to develop character,
courage, and high self-esteem. The opposite of fear is actually
love, particularly self-love and self-respect. When you love and
accept yourself for who you are, you will start to feel the fear
melt away.
Throughout the ages, we have been taught that in order to conquer
fear, we have to do exactly that which we fear. Acting with courage
in a situation which we feel fear is a simple way that will boost
our regard for ourselves to such a point that our fears diminish
and lose their power to affect our behaviour and decisions.
Here are two things you can do to boost your self-esteem and
confidence to overcome your fears.
1. Accept the fact that you can do anything you put your mind to.
You can learn and grow. Tell yourself, “Anything anyone has done
before, I can do it!”, “I can do it! ” when you feel afraid for any
reason.
2. Continually think of yourself as a worthy and important person.
Remember that temporary “failure” is the way you learn how to
succeed.
Saving face
Feb 15th
“Saving face” is important for many people, especially in the Asian context. While some of our behaviour are motivated by our need to look good in the eyes of others, it is helpful to understand that such a need stems from our self-esteem (or the lack of it).
Many students are not accustomed to asking questions in the classroom because they want to avoid asking,”stupid questions” or “questions that will waste everybody’s time.” But who is the judge of the “quality” of those questions?
If we consider the word “self-esteem,” it actually means the way we judge ourselves to be good or bad at something. In other words, self-esteem is our opinion of ourselves, or so it should be. However, the problem is that too many of us judge ourselves by how we think others judge us. For example, if my boss said that I did an excellent job, I feel good about myself and my self-esteem goes up; If I am kicked out of school because of poor results my teachers said that I will not accomplish anything in life, my self-esteem may go down and I may think that I am good for nothing.
And guess what? Whatever you choose to accept, it becomes true for you.
Simply put, if you often feel a need to “save face,” the opinion of others has become more important than your own opinion of yourself. And you are responsible to yourself for this.
Think about this: If you walked into a room to give speech to an audience of 100 people, you can be quite sure that there will be 100 different opinions of you at the end of your presentation. So, which one will affect your self-esteem? Which one should you choose?
The answer is simple and profound: Your own. The fact is that you can never please everyone. Yet, you should always treat the 100 opinions as feedback for doing better next time.
If you have done courses in business, psychology or organizational theory, you would have been introduced to the theory “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.” According to Maslow, the highest human need is to be self-actualized. He went on to say that a fully self-actualized person is one who is independent of the good opinions of others.
So, the next time you feel a need to “save face,” think about why that is necessary. Choose the course of action through which you will learn and become a better person in your own opinion instead of one that will save you face but does not help you at all.
Remember: If you are not getting better, you are getting worse.