Saving face

“Saving face” is important for many people, especially in the Asian context. While some of our behaviour are motivated by our need to look good in the eyes of others, it is helpful to understand that such a need stems from our self-esteem (or the lack of it).

Many students are not accustomed to asking questions in the classroom because they want to avoid asking,”stupid questions” or “questions that will waste everybody’s time.” But who is the judge of the “quality” of those questions?

If we consider the word “self-esteem,” it actually means the way we judge ourselves to be good or bad at something. In other words, self-esteem is our opinion of ourselves, or so it should be. However, the problem is that too many of us judge ourselves by how we think others judge us. For example, if my boss said that I did an excellent job, I feel good about myself and my self-esteem goes up; If I am kicked out of school because of poor results my teachers said that I will not accomplish anything in life, my self-esteem may go down and I may think that I am good for nothing.

And guess what? Whatever you choose to accept, it becomes true for you.

Simply put, if you often feel a need to “save face,” the opinion of others has become more important than your own opinion of yourself. And you are responsible to yourself for this.

Think about this: If you walked into a room to give speech to an audience of 100 people, you can be quite sure that there will be 100 different opinions of you at the end of your presentation. So, which one will affect your self-esteem? Which one should you choose?

The answer is simple and profound: Your own. The fact is that you can never please everyone. Yet, you should always treat the 100 opinions as feedback for doing better next time.

If you have done courses in business, psychology or organizational theory, you would have been introduced to the theory “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.” According to Maslow, the highest human need is to be self-actualized. He went on to say that a fully self-actualized person is one who is independent of the good opinions of others.

So, the next time you feel a need to “save face,” think about why that is necessary. Choose the course of action through which you will learn and become a better person in your own opinion instead of one that will save you face but does not help you at all.

Remember: If you are not getting better, you are getting worse.