Who do you play with?

Have you ever thought of why change is so hard sometimes?

The change may be to lose weight, to quit smoking, to exercise more, to be more motivated, to be more disciplined at work or in school, to take more risk, or to do something you always wanted to but never dared.

One major reason for us not changing when we know we should is that our reference group is holding us back.

What does this mean?

Our reference group is the group of people we identify with and are around with most often. This group of people may be our family, friends, colleagues, religious group, business affiliations, school affiliations or social/community affiliations. We feel that we belong to this group and know that, in most ways, everybody in this group is similar to one another.

It is interesting to note that substantial research has shown that our current state of being is often within close range of the other individuals within our reference group – i.e. the level of salary, motivation, wealth, health, energy, achievement, happiness, etc.

For example, if your reference group consists of people earning HK$30,000 every month, it is very likely that your salary will also be about HK$30,000 a month; if your reference group consists of people who are positive with life and highly motivated, then you will very likely be positive and highly motivated; if your reference group consists of people who smokes, you will very likely be a smoker.

While all of us have the capability to change, we are limited, psychologically, by the “norm” of our reference group. When I served in the armed forces during my late teens, I was highly disciplined and could accomplish anything I put my heart and mind to. This was so because the army (my environment) demanded so and that most of my colleagues (my reference group) then did so. However, within 6 months of leaving the armed forces, I struggled to maintain the high standards that I used to have and eventually gave up trying. Why? Because my reference group had changed.

In order to make positive changes or achieve higher goals, it is vital to ensure that your reference group consists of people who are already living the change or achievements that you want. If you want to lose weight, be around healthy and fit people; If you want to be happy, be around happy people; If you want to be successful, be around successful people. This is also why finding yourself a mentor is important.

Choosing a new reference group also means that you have to give up your current affiliations – i.e. stop or at least reduce your identification towards your current reference group. You should, of course, do this slowly and gracefully or you will end up having lots of enemies. : )

Action Steps

1.       Take out a sheet of paper and start writing down what it is that you want in your life. Think about what an ideal life for you will be like – in terms of finances, relationships, time, health, career/work.

2.       Beside each item you have written down from point (1) above, list down the people whom you currently know who is living the kind of life that you want. If you don’t know anyone, think of how you can possibly know such people.

3.       Get out there. Find these people and become part of their group!